The Role of Individuality in the Pursuit of Love & Service

Recently I have been reading Erich Fromm’s classic text “The Art of Loving” and it has spurred me to reflect on some really interesting and pertinent ideas.

Fromm identifies a drive to overcome separation and achieve “at-onement” / union as fundamentally human and definitive of the project of love. In this light, he looks at the conformity of the culture of the 1950s in which he was writing as based in this desire to be united with other human beings. Fromm rightly critiques this paradigm as facile and largely supported by the coercive forces of the state.

Nowadays, our culture has realized the large degree of emptiness in mere societal conformity, but instead of going to the roots to understand why this practice isn’t satisfying our drive to love, we have simply taken things at face value and pushed in the opposite direction.

Individualism has become the primary cultural mode suggested for achieving this feeling of fullness and “at-onement.” But just like how the conformity of the 1950s was /mere/ conformity, we have ended up in a paradigm of /mere/ individuality: self-expression for self-expression’s sake, unconnected from larger values and concerns. It is not uncommon nowadays to be encouraged or even pressured to celebrate matter-of-fact aspects of a person’s personality or even their appearance, and we have even come to expect this type of appreciation from others in certain circumstances.

I don’t think this is a viable solution. Individuality is crucial, certainly — and it is a shame that our culture has long repressed difference — but, going back to the central topic of Fromm’s book, it will only achieve a greater degree of fulfillment if it is based in love.

What do I mean by this? An individuality which is nothing more than a celebration and development of certain characteristics as an end in itself will not draw us any closer to other human beings, or make us feel more settled in the world. An individuality which looks at the human person as having unique capacities and values that can be brought into relationships and the broader context of life is an individuality of love. Here individuality is a means to an end of serving others through one’s one unique abilities — this is the type of individuality we should strive to cultivate, and this is the type of individuality which will actually make us feel more fulfilled and at home, since it can actually draw us closer to others in love.

Our culture has radically separated ideas of caring for others and caring for ourselves and this is both a shame and a delusion. It is through love and service to others that we will become self-actualized, secure, and robust individuals. This isn’t some kind of supplementary work to pursue once you have ensured your own security — it is what is always right at the center of your purpose and flourishing.

So start going out and contributing your own unique loving value, even if you are just awkwardly stumbling forth. Fromm reminds us that loving is an art, something that can be practiced and become fuller and more beautiful with mindful diligence. Hopefully with these words I have taken a few small steps forward in my own practice of love.

Peace.